Saying "know"

Every talented woman I know - and quite a few fabulous men as well - struggle with how and when to say "no." The reasons why this is are well documented, but instead of getting stuck in the mother's hood on this one, let's step out.

I have a catchy new way to say "no."

The idea is simple. When you slow down enough to check in with how you feel, and you "know" the best answer for you is "no," say, "know."

Your answer, "know," will automatically convey the grace and thoughtfulness you desire to show, not the shame, disappointment and judgement you fear you will attract by setting a clear boundary.

This is easier said than done, but if you can be mindful of your intention - to convey sincerity and grace and thoughtful concern for the human being asking something of you - your "know" will only be an act of self love, never a rejection of another person or idea, so check the guilt at the door.

P.S. Those to whom you are saying "know" still may not like it much, but you will be less involved in what they are feeling, so it shouldn't bother you much.

ahh, freedom?


Food and Healing

Ten years ago I became interested in Annemarie Colbin's book, Food and Healing and studied it with my friend, Eliza. We even traveled to New York to study with her at her school, Natural Gourmet Cooking Institute

A hefty, information-packed read, Annemarie became our third wheel, and we loved giving each other her take on what food and nutrition meant in our late twenty-something lives: "Did you try a lick of Umeboshi plum for that headache?" and, "What does it mean to feel expansive?"

Eliza and I lived in Cambridge, Massachusetts, in small, adorable apartments with new husbands. Our local food shops were a co-op, a small Bread and Circus on Prospect, and a large Bread and Circus on Alewife. We ran four or five times a week, for 4-6 miles each time. I never felt so healthy, even though I could still recite a long list of things that needed to change in my life . . .

When I became pregnant, which was right at the tail end of the Annemarie craze, I felt so lean and intimately connected with my body that I swore I could "feel" the fertilization of my egg in the moment it was happening. (Apparently, many people report this.)

Gradually, but I cannot put my finger on when, I moved away from Annemarie's teachings and let go of a lot of what I had learned about me and food. And when I moved away from Eliza, down to D.C., for whatever reason, my eating habits became retro and I found myself craving things like Twinkies and meatballs, and coke.

The result? Extra weight. Ten or so pounds of stubborn, heavy molecules that I have to carry around, dress, and tolerate or get rid of. I don't like those characters, but they are part of me. They take up a lot of room in my life, triggering lots of self-condemnation, feelings of powerlessness, and premature aging . . .

There has been much discussion about how obesity is social and is "passed" from friend to friend. I think healthy lifestyles are too. Without a good friend, what fun is it to learn about something so specific as Macrobiotics? Without a good friend, what fun is it to train for a long run? And without a good friend, what fun is it to eat?

I miss Eliza. I don't know if she's reading, but if she is, hey girl, thanks for making that such a rich few years. Let us know where you are with your Food and Healing journey. . .

I pulled my tattered copy down yesterday. The memories came with one glance at the Star of Seasonal Eating, the report on the standard American diet, the lists of foods and their traits from expansive to contractive. I think the book will be at my bedside table for months now.

I just wish my friend were around the corner again, too.

If you want to explore one of the best references on food and health that I've ever looked at, check out Food and Healing . The paperback version is under $15.


Child care gaps

I have a decision to make about how we will transition from summer nanny to after school care.

My dream is that my mother (who loved and challenged her grandchildren ) lived nearby and was enthusiastic about providing care for the children at market rate. But mom lives in Florida.

So, with a bit of compromise thrown in my dream leans toward an organic arrangement with a friend who needs what I need, and has an interest in grouping our children together so that:
  • the children build friendships/flexibility/resiliency
  • we share expenses
  • we fill one of our empty houses up with life after school
  • we become better friends through the exercise
I'd like to hear how others have walked through these choices. In particular, I want to know if you think there is a child care gap? Is there room for a model that is in-between at-home mom/family member, "Aftercare," and nanny? What does the model look like?

Please post a comment or send e-mail to: christine.kraft@gmail.com