From broken-hearted to Open Hearted. This guest blogging elder writes in about a life decision many years in the making. Just feel the shift in her power:
6 years ago I met a man named Tim. It was electric and unlike anything either of us had experienced. Our lives were complicated, however.
I was the mother of a three year old, separated for a long time from my husband of seven years. Tim was freshly divorced with a 3-year-old daughter. I knew that divorce was the right thing for me to do, but I was too scared to do it. There was a sense of shame and failure that I could not shake. As a child of divorce, I knew how hard and debilitating divorce could be.
Tim and I talked about sharing our lives and children together and living under one roof. I would entertain the idea now and again, but never fully embraced it. I couldn't. The messages given to me by my mother about men and marriage haunted me in ways that I only now, at 41, have started to understand. Her conscious decision to be alone; her consistent blaming of my father for the disintegration of their marriage; her inability to see that the success or failure of a relationship is the work of two people not one; colored the way I viewed my own relationship. Keeping Tim at arms length felt safer, but over time less satisfying and less interesting for our children and us. By not fully embracing my relationship, I thought I was protecting my son from further change and the potential for another failed relationship. Instead I was creating the same debilitating models for him that my mom had set for me.
6 years ago I met a man named Tim. It was electric and unlike anything either of us had experienced. Our lives were complicated, however.
I was the mother of a three year old, separated for a long time from my husband of seven years. Tim was freshly divorced with a 3-year-old daughter. I knew that divorce was the right thing for me to do, but I was too scared to do it. There was a sense of shame and failure that I could not shake. As a child of divorce, I knew how hard and debilitating divorce could be.
Tim and I talked about sharing our lives and children together and living under one roof. I would entertain the idea now and again, but never fully embraced it. I couldn't. The messages given to me by my mother about men and marriage haunted me in ways that I only now, at 41, have started to understand. Her conscious decision to be alone; her consistent blaming of my father for the disintegration of their marriage; her inability to see that the success or failure of a relationship is the work of two people not one; colored the way I viewed my own relationship. Keeping Tim at arms length felt safer, but over time less satisfying and less interesting for our children and us. By not fully embracing my relationship, I thought I was protecting my son from further change and the potential for another failed relationship. Instead I was creating the same debilitating models for him that my mom had set for me.
The models and messages that our parents give us are strong. I think the models mothers give their daughters are particularly potent. They can serve us well or they can run us into the ground. I have finally been able to shake off the negative messages my mother gave me and as a result make decisions about relationships based on what I know and feel is right.
The change has come at a cost. There is distance between my mom and I. The payoff, however, is great -- an incredibly passionate, exciting, healthy and loving relationship with Tim. It doesn’t look like my mom’s relationship. It looks like mine and it feels amazing.
I still have concerns. The difference is, the concerns are mine, not my mom’s. Here's what I have decided: Tim and I, along with our children, will be living together as a family, starting in March.
Write again soon, Open Hearted. This is exciting.
The change has come at a cost. There is distance between my mom and I. The payoff, however, is great -- an incredibly passionate, exciting, healthy and loving relationship with Tim. It doesn’t look like my mom’s relationship. It looks like mine and it feels amazing.
I still have concerns. The difference is, the concerns are mine, not my mom’s. Here's what I have decided: Tim and I, along with our children, will be living together as a family, starting in March.
Write again soon, Open Hearted. This is exciting.
Ooh wow! This is good writing, and a great explanation of the relationships!
ReplyDelete(I'm glad you found me through BZ, so I can now read you!)
Hey, Manic Mom... Thanks for stopping by and I hope you'll come by more often. This month is guest blogger month, so I'll be featuring a new voices.
ReplyDeleteGood luck with 40 Weeks - keep us posted.