Swiss Alps Jill sent in the following masterpiece for everyone visiting Coco Village:
Once a month I go to the news agent and buy $50.00 in English language magazines. Not Cosmopolitan, People or Glamor; I don't want to read "How to Drive Him Mad in Bed", or, go "Inside Hollywood's Worst Divorces" and though "Thin Thighs in Thirty Days" does have some appeal, 'diet and exercise' really isn't worth the $10.00 sticker price. No, I buy Traveller, House and Garden and Bon Appétit. After the purchase, I put them aside till I have a day where nothing is on my to-do list, and then I pop some Italian opera and Edith Piaf in the CD player, and I sit, pajama-clad, on the floor and spread their glossy promise around me like birthday presents, and begin to read and clip pieces that describe, cozy inns and undiscovered villages; articles that feature rich textiles and use the phrases like "bespoke furniture"; then I move on to wine suggestions and recipes that let me experiment with exotic spices or delicate seasonings.
Now here's the thing, this day spent with a few magazines transports me to that amazing place, the "Realm of the Possible". I will never live like the stars, I won't ever look like the 17 year old models in Glamor and I surely don’t need life advice from Cosmo, but I can sing along with the doomed Edith or the Italian diva, because in the "Realm of the Possible" I speak perfect French and Italian, and I might be able to visit the rustic, country inn in Croatia, and I might find that perfect heirloom rug that transforms my sitting room into a warm, inviting place of mental refuge, and I may prepare an unforgettable meal, entertaining dear friends in my candlelit garden, where everyone laughs and enjoys themselves, warmed by good food and drink. After all, these are the best kinds of fantasies, the ones that flirt with possible reality.
Write again soon, Swiss Alps Jill. We like to build international forces.
10/21/07
10/18/07
Bitchy or assertive? It's always your pick ...
Yesterday my friend Lauren asked me to blog about the difference between assertiveness and bitchiness. Ouch, Lauren, can you give me a trickier question next time, please? I’ll do my best to put out my personal approach to this question and leave it up to you whether I have said anything worthwhile. (But let me first reveal my bias toward slightly more assertive behavior only because in my forty years I have seen, repeatedly, how those who speak out, ask questions, and tell the truth, stay in touch with themselves and ultimately have a more satisfying journey toward their dreams.) It is never easy to be assertive, but it offers a real kick for your health...
Remember, assertiveness or bitchiness is always in the eye of the beholder, not the speaker. That means that depending on what someone’s got at stake in any given matter, a comment heard simultaneously by two people may be seem bitchy by one and fabulously assertive by the other. For instance, if your boss needs someone to message up about problems at work, he may appreciate an outspoken approach that combines preparedness and knowledge of business issues. If a colleague in the same meeting, however, feels threatened by you and your sharp mind and/or ability to speak up, you will have a hard time convincing her that you aren’t a bitch no matter what you say at the meeting.
Bottom line: in any given scenario, some will find you bitchy and some will find you effective. And that is why the issue at hand is not whether you are bitchy or assertive, but how you feel about your behavior, moment to moment. The woman in the example above is feeling self-assured, and prepared, so she speaks up. As long as she isn’t tromping on others’ rights and condemning her peers, she will, over time, become a valued team player. If, on the other hand, she is often working in an isolated manner, and appears repeatedly as a self-serving person, her peers and ultimately management will tell her fate.
At a very young age we women are conditioned into receiving (and asking) for cues from others in order to behave appropriately. Do you like me? Am I pretty? Am I lovable? These are the common questions of young girls … young ladies … and, unfortunately, older women as well.
But if we are on a satisfactory path, a key shift in our development may come sometime between thirty and fifty. This shift will land the authority for our behavior within us, not outside of us, so that when we act or speak, we are more fully in charge of the intentions we carry.
A quick glance around any office may reveal a key difference between women who are powerful and women who are bitches. What is the difference? Assertive, effective women are generally fair, consistent, and knowledgeable, and they exhibit compassion for others even when the other is an adversary.
Effective women have authority over themselves and try to keep the focus on business or personal goals. They conduct their affairs transparently, saving certain topics for appropriate settings. Women who are assertive do not talk about others maliciously, and usually hold themselves to a very high standard of conduct. That said, somehow the most effective women I know are also: fun, creative, and terrific mentors.
In closing, assertive women aren’t perfect; but they do know themselves well enough to know when they have behaved like a bitch. And then they do what is most effective: apologize and commit to doing better next time.
Remember, assertiveness or bitchiness is always in the eye of the beholder, not the speaker. That means that depending on what someone’s got at stake in any given matter, a comment heard simultaneously by two people may be seem bitchy by one and fabulously assertive by the other. For instance, if your boss needs someone to message up about problems at work, he may appreciate an outspoken approach that combines preparedness and knowledge of business issues. If a colleague in the same meeting, however, feels threatened by you and your sharp mind and/or ability to speak up, you will have a hard time convincing her that you aren’t a bitch no matter what you say at the meeting.
Bottom line: in any given scenario, some will find you bitchy and some will find you effective. And that is why the issue at hand is not whether you are bitchy or assertive, but how you feel about your behavior, moment to moment. The woman in the example above is feeling self-assured, and prepared, so she speaks up. As long as she isn’t tromping on others’ rights and condemning her peers, she will, over time, become a valued team player. If, on the other hand, she is often working in an isolated manner, and appears repeatedly as a self-serving person, her peers and ultimately management will tell her fate.
At a very young age we women are conditioned into receiving (and asking) for cues from others in order to behave appropriately. Do you like me? Am I pretty? Am I lovable? These are the common questions of young girls … young ladies … and, unfortunately, older women as well.
But if we are on a satisfactory path, a key shift in our development may come sometime between thirty and fifty. This shift will land the authority for our behavior within us, not outside of us, so that when we act or speak, we are more fully in charge of the intentions we carry.
A quick glance around any office may reveal a key difference between women who are powerful and women who are bitches. What is the difference? Assertive, effective women are generally fair, consistent, and knowledgeable, and they exhibit compassion for others even when the other is an adversary.
Effective women have authority over themselves and try to keep the focus on business or personal goals. They conduct their affairs transparently, saving certain topics for appropriate settings. Women who are assertive do not talk about others maliciously, and usually hold themselves to a very high standard of conduct. That said, somehow the most effective women I know are also: fun, creative, and terrific mentors.
In closing, assertive women aren’t perfect; but they do know themselves well enough to know when they have behaved like a bitch. And then they do what is most effective: apologize and commit to doing better next time.
10/16/07
Loulie's: World Food Day
Guest Blog from Bettina Stern, co-founder of Loulie's:
Today is World Food Day. A time to reflect on where our food comes from: the abundance for some and lack of for so many others. It is also a time to think about the history and future of our food.
Observed on this date since 1981, World Food Day brings more than 150 nations together to help increase awareness and understanding of the plight of hunger, malnutrition, and poverty on our nations. Severe food insecurity continues to afflict more than 850 million people. It also leaves little time for a nation to do much else in terms of development. In Gambia, for example, almost all of the population are "subsistence farmers" - which means that day in and day out, year after year, their lives are devoted to planting and harvesting food just to support their families. "Remember food is precious", says Alice Waters, author of The Art of Simple Food: Notes, Lessons, and Recipes from a Delicious Revolution. "Food should never be taken for granted". (Check out and sign up for Loulies's Cook the Book Club.)
Rice, the seed of a semi-aquatic grass, is the world's number one food crop. It is the most important staple crop for more than 50 percent of the global population. In China, the word for "rice" is actually a synonym for "food". In Japan, the word for "cooked rice" means the same as the word "meal".
FIVE WAYS TO COOK RICE:
Coconut Rice - 1 c. raw rice cooked with 1 ½ c. water and ½ c. coconut milk, 2 Tbls. shredded, unsweetened coconut, 2 Tbls. honey, ½ tsp. salt, and a pinch of allspice.
Curried Rice - 1 c. raw rice cooked with 2 c. chicken or vegetable broth, 1 tsp. curry powder and 3 Tbls. dried currants.
Ginger-Soy Rice - 1c. raw rice cooked with 2 c. water, 2 tsp. each soy sauce and grated fresh ginger, and 2 whole cloves.
Lemon Rice - 1 c. raw rice cooked with 2 c. water, ½ tsp salt, 2 strips lemon zest, and a pinch of nutmeg.
Saffron Rice - 1 c. raw rice cooked with 2 c. vegetable or chicken broth and a pinch of saffron.
TIP: Basmati and long grain rice can be interchangeable. Basmati, though, has a distinctive fragrance and should be rinsed and soaked before cooking.
1. To Wash Rice: place in a large bowl, fill with water and let rice settle to bottom. After 2-3 seconds, tilt bowl to pour off water. Repeat several times or until the water runs clear. Washing removes the polishing residue and helps keep the grains separate.
2. To Soak Rice: add twice the amount of cold water as there is raw rice. Let soak for thirty minutes, then drain. Soaking helps to ensure that the grain cooks evenly and it really does make a difference.
Today is World Food Day. A time to reflect on where our food comes from: the abundance for some and lack of for so many others. It is also a time to think about the history and future of our food.
Observed on this date since 1981, World Food Day brings more than 150 nations together to help increase awareness and understanding of the plight of hunger, malnutrition, and poverty on our nations. Severe food insecurity continues to afflict more than 850 million people. It also leaves little time for a nation to do much else in terms of development. In Gambia, for example, almost all of the population are "subsistence farmers" - which means that day in and day out, year after year, their lives are devoted to planting and harvesting food just to support their families. "Remember food is precious", says Alice Waters, author of The Art of Simple Food: Notes, Lessons, and Recipes from a Delicious Revolution. "Food should never be taken for granted". (Check out and sign up for Loulies's Cook the Book Club.)
Rice, the seed of a semi-aquatic grass, is the world's number one food crop. It is the most important staple crop for more than 50 percent of the global population. In China, the word for "rice" is actually a synonym for "food". In Japan, the word for "cooked rice" means the same as the word "meal".
FIVE WAYS TO COOK RICE:
Coconut Rice - 1 c. raw rice cooked with 1 ½ c. water and ½ c. coconut milk, 2 Tbls. shredded, unsweetened coconut, 2 Tbls. honey, ½ tsp. salt, and a pinch of allspice.
Curried Rice - 1 c. raw rice cooked with 2 c. chicken or vegetable broth, 1 tsp. curry powder and 3 Tbls. dried currants.
Ginger-Soy Rice - 1c. raw rice cooked with 2 c. water, 2 tsp. each soy sauce and grated fresh ginger, and 2 whole cloves.
Lemon Rice - 1 c. raw rice cooked with 2 c. water, ½ tsp salt, 2 strips lemon zest, and a pinch of nutmeg.
Saffron Rice - 1 c. raw rice cooked with 2 c. vegetable or chicken broth and a pinch of saffron.
TIP: Basmati and long grain rice can be interchangeable. Basmati, though, has a distinctive fragrance and should be rinsed and soaked before cooking.
1. To Wash Rice: place in a large bowl, fill with water and let rice settle to bottom. After 2-3 seconds, tilt bowl to pour off water. Repeat several times or until the water runs clear. Washing removes the polishing residue and helps keep the grains separate.
2. To Soak Rice: add twice the amount of cold water as there is raw rice. Let soak for thirty minutes, then drain. Soaking helps to ensure that the grain cooks evenly and it really does make a difference.
10/15/07
Yoga Red: Out of her yoga mind!
A few words from Yoga Red, our first guest blogger...
FIVE THINGS I LOVE AND FIVE THINGS I HATE ABOUT YOGA
LOVE YOGA BECAUSE:
1. It combines movement and breath and takes me outside of monkey mind (most of the time)
2. It gives me flexibility *and* strength
3. It gets me together with people interested in spiritual growth
4. Wind Relieving Pose (yes, I am definitely in touch with my inner 8-year old boy) and Laughing Baby Pose
5. I set an intention before my practice, which makes my practice a combination of movement and prayer. It is moving prayer in both senses of the phrase, and it connects me to a higher vibrational state of existence, bigger than myself.
6. (please, just one more because I really love yoga) The space in-between when I “play with my edge” –gently, slowly, and deliciously going deeper into a pose, guided by my breath
I HATE YOGA BECAUSE:
1. $100 stretchy yoga pants that look best on women without hips
2. Classes cost $18-20 a session, up from $8-10 a session just 10 years ago
3. Some Hot Yoga teachers think that their way is the only way. That approach encourages overdoing it and injury among Type A competitive types.
4. It can make me feel lethargic. (But as long as I get in my share of yang activities – kickboxing, soccer, and wild living room carpet dancing – then I’m just fine.)
5. More men don’t feel attracted to it, and I sometimes think they need it the most
FIVE THINGS I LOVE AND FIVE THINGS I HATE ABOUT YOGA
LOVE YOGA BECAUSE:
1. It combines movement and breath and takes me outside of monkey mind (most of the time)
2. It gives me flexibility *and* strength
3. It gets me together with people interested in spiritual growth
4. Wind Relieving Pose (yes, I am definitely in touch with my inner 8-year old boy) and Laughing Baby Pose
5. I set an intention before my practice, which makes my practice a combination of movement and prayer. It is moving prayer in both senses of the phrase, and it connects me to a higher vibrational state of existence, bigger than myself.
6. (please, just one more because I really love yoga) The space in-between when I “play with my edge” –gently, slowly, and deliciously going deeper into a pose, guided by my breath
I HATE YOGA BECAUSE:
1. $100 stretchy yoga pants that look best on women without hips
2. Classes cost $18-20 a session, up from $8-10 a session just 10 years ago
3. Some Hot Yoga teachers think that their way is the only way. That approach encourages overdoing it and injury among Type A competitive types.
4. It can make me feel lethargic. (But as long as I get in my share of yang activities – kickboxing, soccer, and wild living room carpet dancing – then I’m just fine.)
5. More men don’t feel attracted to it, and I sometimes think they need it the most
10/12/07
More on Women's Friendship
Scientists tell us that hanging out with our friends can actually counteract the kind of stomach-quivering stress most of us experience on a daily basis. Yippee! Someone finally gets it. But why is "hanging out with our friends" the last thing to happen in a busy week? And why does hanging out with friends feel exhausting sometimes?
This second musing on Women's Friendship will focus on obstacles to women's friendship. Let's start with a blog-paced recap of an incredible fairy tale of women: Cinderella.
Cinderella is a motherless daughter living with her stepmother and her two stepsisters. Cinderella is neglected by her father (perhaps his grief immobilizes him?) and is left to be unjustly treated by the brutish women of the house. Throughout the beautiful tale we watch as Cinderella toils. Ultimately, it is magic, a man, her beauty, character, and a strong connection to nature (remember, birds made her gown), that allow her to escape in spite of the shame, physical torment, and dark loneliness engulfing her.
We could talk about the symbols here, and whether the prince is for real, but I would prefer to focus on why it seems so unremarkable to us all that Cinderella's stepmother and stepsisters despised her . This is the key to any good conversation about women's friendship.
Why is it so easy to capture the evil stepmother and stepsisters in short prose? Because they are culturally sanctioned archetypes of every woman's destructive side. Those awful beasts are actually alive within each of our own psyches ... and don't tell me you don't know what I mean ...
How common is it to see this dynamic play out in groups of women? Haven't you been on both sides of the table in your life at least a few times? How have you handled power, wealth, and competition? Have you brought young women along on your ride if you sensed they needed it? Or have you done only what helped you run "the business called you"? It is a private conversation but chances are that you have played Stepmother, Stepsister, and Cinderella in your life.
It is helpful to view the "stepmother" and "stepsisters" as aspects of ourselves that have become disconnected from nature and absorbed in artificial notions of power, money, and control. They manifest as competitive, unloving, spiteful, and harshly judgemental personality traits. What's more is that they are usually socially respectable on a level, so rendering them as "evil" gets a bit dicey because we don't want to live alone.
And as my daily toil beckons, I'll close with a reminder that Cinderella's second family was prominent and socially connected - that's a strong statement from the Brother's Grimm on outward success.
This second musing on Women's Friendship will focus on obstacles to women's friendship. Let's start with a blog-paced recap of an incredible fairy tale of women: Cinderella.
Cinderella is a motherless daughter living with her stepmother and her two stepsisters. Cinderella is neglected by her father (perhaps his grief immobilizes him?) and is left to be unjustly treated by the brutish women of the house. Throughout the beautiful tale we watch as Cinderella toils. Ultimately, it is magic, a man, her beauty, character, and a strong connection to nature (remember, birds made her gown), that allow her to escape in spite of the shame, physical torment, and dark loneliness engulfing her.
We could talk about the symbols here, and whether the prince is for real, but I would prefer to focus on why it seems so unremarkable to us all that Cinderella's stepmother and stepsisters despised her . This is the key to any good conversation about women's friendship.
Why is it so easy to capture the evil stepmother and stepsisters in short prose? Because they are culturally sanctioned archetypes of every woman's destructive side. Those awful beasts are actually alive within each of our own psyches ... and don't tell me you don't know what I mean ...
How common is it to see this dynamic play out in groups of women? Haven't you been on both sides of the table in your life at least a few times? How have you handled power, wealth, and competition? Have you brought young women along on your ride if you sensed they needed it? Or have you done only what helped you run "the business called you"? It is a private conversation but chances are that you have played Stepmother, Stepsister, and Cinderella in your life.
It is helpful to view the "stepmother" and "stepsisters" as aspects of ourselves that have become disconnected from nature and absorbed in artificial notions of power, money, and control. They manifest as competitive, unloving, spiteful, and harshly judgemental personality traits. What's more is that they are usually socially respectable on a level, so rendering them as "evil" gets a bit dicey because we don't want to live alone.
And as my daily toil beckons, I'll close with a reminder that Cinderella's second family was prominent and socially connected - that's a strong statement from the Brother's Grimm on outward success.
10/11/07
Blogging with low self esteem
In an era where we manufacture a concept called "high self-esteem" through vitamins, religion, money, and body image, blogging is often used as a retail concept. It goes something like: "Live a better life: Blog!" or "Get started with the brand called: You."
I wonder if we'd be better served by:
His blog 1: Why I always eat too much
Her blog 2: Why I am paranoid
His blog 3: Why road rage feels so good
Her blog 4: Damn, I am exhausted
. . . just to name a few.
At work we study traffic, page views, entrance and exit rates. We look at refers and bounces and other such data. We are asked to swiftly address any less-than-impressive numbers with changes to our content, our design, and our navigation.
But here at this outpost, on the other hand, I experiment with the stuff that I cannot seem to integrate into my life anywhere else. My formula, if I had to write one out could be: confess/pray/confess. Like Jazz, you have to let go of the melody, find the chaos, then bring it back home again. Back home. Back home again and again.
. . . you still awake?
I wonder if we'd be better served by:
His blog 1: Why I always eat too much
Her blog 2: Why I am paranoid
His blog 3: Why road rage feels so good
Her blog 4: Damn, I am exhausted
. . . just to name a few.
At work we study traffic, page views, entrance and exit rates. We look at refers and bounces and other such data. We are asked to swiftly address any less-than-impressive numbers with changes to our content, our design, and our navigation.
But here at this outpost, on the other hand, I experiment with the stuff that I cannot seem to integrate into my life anywhere else. My formula, if I had to write one out could be: confess/pray/confess. Like Jazz, you have to let go of the melody, find the chaos, then bring it back home again. Back home. Back home again and again.
. . . you still awake?
10/9/07
Women's Friendship
A professor of mine in film school once said that the true story of women's friendship is the biggest topic never covered ... I agree. How can a concept be both profound and cliche at once? It's like describing light: writing about it kills its glow... But since I have been exchanging beautiful e-mails with a friend from far away, I wanted to suggest the subject by covering a related theme: Love.
Love is not a competition but you know when you are winning. Love is not always comfortable, but it usually feels right. Love may not be pretty but is often truly beautiful. Love doesn't look the way you always wish it would but it turns out better than you imagine. Love is inconvenient but is always very efficient. Love is exhausting but perhaps not depleting. Love is not sex but it may be fertile. Love is not praise but often brings affections. Love is not control but often asks for leadership. Love is not ownership but doesn't give without understanding. Love is tireless. Love is disciplined. Love is curious. Love is independent. Love is just letting it happen sometimes ... patiently. Love depends on you. And you depend on love too.
10/5/07
Signal-to-noise ratio and human evolution
Engineers use the expression "signal-to-noise ratio" to describe the strength of desired traits (the signal) as measured against undesirable traits (the noise) in any context. More recently, VC (Venture Capitalists) and UI (User Interface) Designers have applied the term to all manner of things from space engineering to presentation design.
The signal-to-noise ratio is such a handy expression that I often use it in parenting to highlight how to let go of bullying/cliques in the classroom in favor of the good stuff the playground or a book may have to offer.
Underlying the signal-to-noise culture is a deep belief in optimization and the manufacture of peak experience. Is there any area of our lives untouched by this idea? No. We can become better by getting rid of what we don't want . . . Several ad campaigns quickly come to mind.
So here's what I am wondering as it relates to living: Where is the point at which augmentation of the signal actually breaks the signal itself? Are we in danger of losing essential human signals (eye contact, connectedness, intimacy, trust, love, touch, compassion, awareness) on our way to engineering the unwanted noise (slow pace, geographic separateness, the unknown, the risk, the humility, the threats) right out of our lives?
Will the signals break? They are already distorted ... or is this just evolution?
The signal-to-noise ratio is such a handy expression that I often use it in parenting to highlight how to let go of bullying/cliques in the classroom in favor of the good stuff the playground or a book may have to offer.
Underlying the signal-to-noise culture is a deep belief in optimization and the manufacture of peak experience. Is there any area of our lives untouched by this idea? No. We can become better by getting rid of what we don't want . . . Several ad campaigns quickly come to mind.
So here's what I am wondering as it relates to living: Where is the point at which augmentation of the signal actually breaks the signal itself? Are we in danger of losing essential human signals (eye contact, connectedness, intimacy, trust, love, touch, compassion, awareness) on our way to engineering the unwanted noise (slow pace, geographic separateness, the unknown, the risk, the humility, the threats) right out of our lives?
Will the signals break? They are already distorted ... or is this just evolution?
9/28/07
Working mom puts family on her meal plan
I came across this column by Leslie Kaufman, New York Times, when I was online searching for help planning meals. I thought it was smart enough to share out to other working moms and moms who like to keep the cooking simple:
----------------
FOR the past 10 years, I have starred in my own reality series: “Working Mom Cooks Weeknight Dinner.” Think of it as “Survivor” meets “Iron Chef” with a bit of “Deal or No Deal.”
In the show’s long-running history there have been stretches in which the entire tribe was forced to subsist on scrambled eggs, tuna sandwiches and reheated Chinese food. But together we have overcome obstacles, gained wisdom and reached a point where my husband and I and our two boys eat balanced and even inventive home-cooked meals most nights.
This achievement is a bit of a wonder to my peers. So many of them struggle to eat dinner together, often waiting until the last minute to boil pasta and toss it with store-bought sauce or, more likely, dining on the leftover macaroni and cheese the babysitter fed the children. Some friends, otherwise civilized and professional, confess they resort to cold cereal... Read more
9/18/07
Mellow out? Trampoline injuries on the rise . . .
Several wrote in stating that the poll asking "Is it normal for a seven-year-old to jump out of a second story window onto a trampoline?" was so bogus that they refused to vote. Others wrote to say they were too embarrassed to answer "Yes" it's normal behavior... My own opinion is expressed in the two links below:Trampoline injuries on the rise
The Splintered Mind
Overcoming Neurological Disabilities With Lots Of Humor And Attitude
The Splintered Mind
Overcoming Neurological Disabilities With Lots Of Humor And Attitude
If your child happens to jump from a second story window onto anything . . . read Ed Hallowell's books on AD/HD.
9/13/07
Postcard: Swiss Alps Jill
Bonjour Coco!
It's Jill, your second-cousin-twice-removed-in
Nancy sent me your link today and I have spent the last hour reading; you are on the way to Tiger-Lily-ness, stay the course my girl. You have got me to thinking about Tiger Lily, and I agree with everything you have reported about her but:
1) Does Tiger Lily "need" an audience, or
2) Is it more true that we "need" Tiger Lily and so she "should" have an audience?
The whole point of Tiger Lily is that she is where she is and regardless of her audience her significance remains.
Perhaps this is one of life's great sadnesses, we don't recognize the richness of our own life and existence on its own merit, it is only when other people give us validation that we feel we have in fact achieved or overcome.
My own "Tiger Lily Dreams" are of myself in great old age, sipping a glass of bordeaux so earthy things are practically growing in it, before me is a view so verdant and pastoral I feel like Little Bo Peep without the spider, and I feel the present more vividly than I ever could in my youth because I know its fleeting.
In this vision, I am rich with experience and bouyed by the love I have felt from those who have touched my life through the years.
I should have an audience, but maybe, because of circumstance or distance, maybe I don't, yet my value remains. . . Of course, this evolution is so far from who I am presently, that I need to make tracks, but the embodiment of this dream is brilliant and shared by so many who don't have an articulate vision...
Tiger Lily warrants every moment I spend reading about her
.Au revoir from Cow Country and I look forward to your next installment.
Jill x
PS The more likely version of my old old age will be of me on the shores of Trout Lake bogarting a can of Schlitz, swatting mosquitos and trying to shock the younger family members with obscene Scrabble words.
9/8/07
Today, it was a total shoe meltdown
Yes, I am still here. Yes, I am back to work. It is going, okay (but that's the median).
My daughter, nine, is at a birthday party tonight. They are having pancakes and watching High School Musical 2. She was looking forward to it very much.
We went to our local toy store for a gift. Our budget for party gifts is always $15-$20, sharp; kid-wrapped with a homemade card. We usually have no trouble with that budget. But today was different. My girl walked up and down the aisles, forlorn, picking out $50 presents for her friend time and time again.
I was no-ing, and suggesting all manner of things when I noticed she was going to tantrum, and burst into tears. She kept saying, "She won't really like that. That's not really her style. I am not really sure that that's her thing."
SOOOOOO complicated, it seemed.
I finally put the whole thing on pause and we left the store. I held onto her little hand gently and blurted, "You are a very good friend. You are thoughtful, you are happy for her birthday. (Long silence, quiet tears followed.) What is troubling you? Are you worried that your friend won't like you if you do not give her a very big, special present?"
She was silent. I added, "I don't think Z gave you a present last year at your party. And, come to think of it, I don't think that Z ever thanked you for that monogrammed headband you carefully picked out for her birthday last year." (All true, I might add).
"I know," she said. "She never said that she liked it either."
I started to get it. "So, why are you concerned about the gift you give your friend today?"
She could not answer.
"Let's keep it simple and fun. Can you let mommy take care of it for you?"
Not sure...
Several hours later, she decided it was time to dress for the party. She came down in a wild, mismatched outfit. The outfit felt confused and it was then an idea sprang out for me.
My daughter was working overtime to impress a friend she really wasn't sure she even liked . . .
When I told her the outfit was a little out of sorts for the occasion (not exactly like that) she burst into tears about the fact that she only has "high heels" (a.k.a., Mary Janes) for winter and since it was nearly 100 degrees outside, and I would not let her wear them, the whole outfit was ruined!
She cried for one half an hour.
She isn't deprived, but she felt a deficit . . . Z is a girl she likes a lot but who doesn't really pay much attention to her.
I figured it needed to run its course and she'd come out of it just fine. I was right.
Thirty minutes later when I went upstairs to see how she was doing, she had on the most natural, pretty party outfit ever: a soft three-tiered peasant skirt in chocolate brown, a gently faded pink tank top, and lovely, simple pink-sequined flip-flops. Her face was washed, her hair in a ponytail. She was plenty: Herself through and through.
We took a hard cover book from her shelf, wrapped it up and got her to the party on time.
My daughter, nine, is at a birthday party tonight. They are having pancakes and watching High School Musical 2. She was looking forward to it very much.
We went to our local toy store for a gift. Our budget for party gifts is always $15-$20, sharp; kid-wrapped with a homemade card. We usually have no trouble with that budget. But today was different. My girl walked up and down the aisles, forlorn, picking out $50 presents for her friend time and time again.
I was no-ing, and suggesting all manner of things when I noticed she was going to tantrum, and burst into tears. She kept saying, "She won't really like that. That's not really her style. I am not really sure that that's her thing."
SOOOOOO complicated, it seemed.
I finally put the whole thing on pause and we left the store. I held onto her little hand gently and blurted, "You are a very good friend. You are thoughtful, you are happy for her birthday. (Long silence, quiet tears followed.) What is troubling you? Are you worried that your friend won't like you if you do not give her a very big, special present?"
She was silent. I added, "I don't think Z gave you a present last year at your party. And, come to think of it, I don't think that Z ever thanked you for that monogrammed headband you carefully picked out for her birthday last year." (All true, I might add).
"I know," she said. "She never said that she liked it either."
I started to get it. "So, why are you concerned about the gift you give your friend today?"
She could not answer.
"Let's keep it simple and fun. Can you let mommy take care of it for you?"
Not sure...
Several hours later, she decided it was time to dress for the party. She came down in a wild, mismatched outfit. The outfit felt confused and it was then an idea sprang out for me.
My daughter was working overtime to impress a friend she really wasn't sure she even liked . . .
When I told her the outfit was a little out of sorts for the occasion (not exactly like that) she burst into tears about the fact that she only has "high heels" (a.k.a., Mary Janes) for winter and since it was nearly 100 degrees outside, and I would not let her wear them, the whole outfit was ruined!
She cried for one half an hour.
She isn't deprived, but she felt a deficit . . . Z is a girl she likes a lot but who doesn't really pay much attention to her.
I figured it needed to run its course and she'd come out of it just fine. I was right.
Thirty minutes later when I went upstairs to see how she was doing, she had on the most natural, pretty party outfit ever: a soft three-tiered peasant skirt in chocolate brown, a gently faded pink tank top, and lovely, simple pink-sequined flip-flops. Her face was washed, her hair in a ponytail. She was plenty: Herself through and through.
We took a hard cover book from her shelf, wrapped it up and got her to the party on time.
8/29/07
Saying "know"
Every talented woman I know - and quite a few fabulous men as well - struggle with how and when to say "no." The reasons why this is are well documented, but instead of getting stuck in the mother's hood on this one, let's step out.
I have a catchy new way to say "no."
The idea is simple. When you slow down enough to check in with how you feel, and you "know" the best answer for you is "no," say, "know."
Your answer, "know," will automatically convey the grace and thoughtfulness you desire to show, not the shame, disappointment and judgement you fear you will attract by setting a clear boundary.
This is easier said than done, but if you can be mindful of your intention - to convey sincerity and grace and thoughtful concern for the human being asking something of you - your "know" will only be an act of self love, never a rejection of another person or idea, so check the guilt at the door.
P.S. Those to whom you are saying "know" still may not like it much, but you will be less involved in what they are feeling, so it shouldn't bother you much.
ahh, freedom?
I have a catchy new way to say "no."
The idea is simple. When you slow down enough to check in with how you feel, and you "know" the best answer for you is "no," say, "know."
Your answer, "know," will automatically convey the grace and thoughtfulness you desire to show, not the shame, disappointment and judgement you fear you will attract by setting a clear boundary.
This is easier said than done, but if you can be mindful of your intention - to convey sincerity and grace and thoughtful concern for the human being asking something of you - your "know" will only be an act of self love, never a rejection of another person or idea, so check the guilt at the door.
P.S. Those to whom you are saying "know" still may not like it much, but you will be less involved in what they are feeling, so it shouldn't bother you much.
ahh, freedom?
8/26/07
Food and Healing
Ten years ago I became interested in Annemarie Colbin's book, Food and Healing and studied it with my friend, Eliza. We even traveled to New York to study with her at her school, Natural Gourmet Cooking Institute
A hefty, information-packed read, Annemarie became our third wheel, and we loved giving each other her take on what food and nutrition meant in our late twenty-something lives: "Did you try a lick of Umeboshi plum for that headache?" and, "What does it mean to feel expansive?"
Eliza and I lived in Cambridge, Massachusetts, in small, adorable apartments with new husbands. Our local food shops were a co-op, a small Bread and Circus on Prospect, and a large Bread and Circus on Alewife. We ran four or five times a week, for 4-6 miles each time. I never felt so healthy, even though I could still recite a long list of things that needed to change in my life . . .
When I became pregnant, which was right at the tail end of the Annemarie craze, I felt so lean and intimately connected with my body that I swore I could "feel" the fertilization of my egg in the moment it was happening. (Apparently, many people report this.)
Gradually, but I cannot put my finger on when, I moved away from Annemarie's teachings and let go of a lot of what I had learned about me and food. And when I moved away from Eliza, down to D.C., for whatever reason, my eating habits became retro and I found myself craving things like Twinkies and meatballs, and coke.
The result? Extra weight. Ten or so pounds of stubborn, heavy molecules that I have to carry around, dress, and tolerate or get rid of. I don't like those characters, but they are part of me. They take up a lot of room in my life, triggering lots of self-condemnation, feelings of powerlessness, and premature aging . . .
There has been much discussion about how obesity is social and is "passed" from friend to friend. I think healthy lifestyles are too. Without a good friend, what fun is it to learn about something so specific as Macrobiotics? Without a good friend, what fun is it to train for a long run? And without a good friend, what fun is it to eat?
I miss Eliza. I don't know if she's reading, but if she is, hey girl, thanks for making that such a rich few years. Let us know where you are with your Food and Healing journey. . .
I pulled my tattered copy down yesterday. The memories came with one glance at the Star of Seasonal Eating, the report on the standard American diet, the lists of foods and their traits from expansive to contractive. I think the book will be at my bedside table for months now.
I just wish my friend were around the corner again, too.
If you want to explore one of the best references on food and health that I've ever looked at, check out Food and Healing . The paperback version is under $15.
A hefty, information-packed read, Annemarie became our third wheel, and we loved giving each other her take on what food and nutrition meant in our late twenty-something lives: "Did you try a lick of Umeboshi plum for that headache?" and, "What does it mean to feel expansive?"
Eliza and I lived in Cambridge, Massachusetts, in small, adorable apartments with new husbands. Our local food shops were a co-op, a small Bread and Circus on Prospect, and a large Bread and Circus on Alewife. We ran four or five times a week, for 4-6 miles each time. I never felt so healthy, even though I could still recite a long list of things that needed to change in my life . . .
When I became pregnant, which was right at the tail end of the Annemarie craze, I felt so lean and intimately connected with my body that I swore I could "feel" the fertilization of my egg in the moment it was happening. (Apparently, many people report this.)
Gradually, but I cannot put my finger on when, I moved away from Annemarie's teachings and let go of a lot of what I had learned about me and food. And when I moved away from Eliza, down to D.C., for whatever reason, my eating habits became retro and I found myself craving things like Twinkies and meatballs, and coke.
The result? Extra weight. Ten or so pounds of stubborn, heavy molecules that I have to carry around, dress, and tolerate or get rid of. I don't like those characters, but they are part of me. They take up a lot of room in my life, triggering lots of self-condemnation, feelings of powerlessness, and premature aging . . .
There has been much discussion about how obesity is social and is "passed" from friend to friend. I think healthy lifestyles are too. Without a good friend, what fun is it to learn about something so specific as Macrobiotics? Without a good friend, what fun is it to train for a long run? And without a good friend, what fun is it to eat?
I miss Eliza. I don't know if she's reading, but if she is, hey girl, thanks for making that such a rich few years. Let us know where you are with your Food and Healing journey. . .
I pulled my tattered copy down yesterday. The memories came with one glance at the Star of Seasonal Eating, the report on the standard American diet, the lists of foods and their traits from expansive to contractive. I think the book will be at my bedside table for months now.
I just wish my friend were around the corner again, too.
If you want to explore one of the best references on food and health that I've ever looked at, check out Food and Healing . The paperback version is under $15.
8/25/07
Child care gaps
I have a decision to make about how we will transition from summer nanny to after school care.
My dream is that my mother (who loved and challenged her grandchildren ) lived nearby and was enthusiastic about providing care for the children at market rate. But mom lives in Florida.
So, with a bit of compromise thrown in my dream leans toward an organic arrangement with a friend who needs what I need, and has an interest in grouping our children together so that:
Please post a comment or send e-mail to: christine.kraft@gmail.com
My dream is that my mother (who loved and challenged her grandchildren ) lived nearby and was enthusiastic about providing care for the children at market rate. But mom lives in Florida.
So, with a bit of compromise thrown in my dream leans toward an organic arrangement with a friend who needs what I need, and has an interest in grouping our children together so that:
- the children build friendships/flexibility/resiliency
- we share expenses
- we fill one of our empty houses up with life after school
- we become better friends through the exercise
Please post a comment or send e-mail to: christine.kraft@gmail.com
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